My family is out of town... this sucks. James is two states away, that really sucks.
I keep telling myself that I'll stay busy.. but I don't really want to.  A part of me wants to just stay at home and just curl up in a ball and cry just because I know that no one will find me. Its stupid, i know. I had plans to do something tonight, but I canceled because I wanted to be home... alone.
Me and the dog I think are feeling the same way. She isn't eating, and is constantly staring out the window waiting for someone else to come home. Now, i AM eating, and I'm not staring out the window. I have that feeling of just... waiting. Hoping. I feel alone and I hate it. I like being alone sometimes, but the thought that I can't just easily return to being with people who know and love me makes me... well, sad. I have always lived with a community of some kind. I am an introverted extrovert to the core.
I think this makes it all the more clear that I need to move and be on my own for a while. When James and I get married, there will be nights where he will have something going on and I won't. I will probably be alone pretty often... not to say that I need to "get used" to it, but I think I should at least be OK with it.
I do have a tentative moving date that I don't want to make public until I talk to a few people first.

In other news, my trial period at work is now officially over. It has been... interesting. I do like my job, its not the easiest job ever... but its fun. I am molding these young minds, its an honor really to be entrusted with peoples children. To work will all women I decided is rather difficult though... I was informed today that I was the "freak of the day" (yes, that was actually said) once they discovered that James and I are not kissing. I am a freak anyways because they know that we aren't having sex, but kissing was just too much i guess. I am not ashamed at all, please don't misunderstand me. But its hard sometimes to be surrounded by people who not only don't understand my point of view, but think its just stupid. Which they made clear with later comments and whispers. Agh, women. Seriously, it annoys me like none other.
BUT, work is an awesome opportunity to minister to not only my kids and their parents, but my coworkers, and i just need to keep my heart right with that. i need to ask for Gods heart in what I'm doing, because mine has wrong motives and can get hurt rather easily. Judging from all that i just rambled about, i need to spend some more time with my Daddy.

Later days.

Getting older definitely has its downfalls I've decided. As you get older there is a strange shift that happens; you gain wisdom and knowledge, but you lose something as well. I believe for many of us, if we allow it, we can lose our ability to care. I mean really, truly care. The kind of care that demands action, when you look out and see a bird hit a window and rush to its aid, plead with our parents to save all the starving children on the TV. We now see the bird hit the window and laugh (yes,  I have too), and can change the channel at the reminder that you are sitting on a couch with your bon bons and realize there are starving children all over the world.

Why is this? What has caused this shift in our minds, no, our hearts? Who was it when you were growing up shook their head and said "no, you can't change the world"? It may not have been those exact words, but they were spoken to us in one way or another. Somehow the message got across to us "older folks" that we can't change things. We somehow have it drilled in our minds that one life is just is insignificant as the next. ITS NOT TRUE. Every life is equally SIGNIFICANT, every person that you choose to avirt your eyes from on the way to get your coffee, your groceries, your class, your work, has a soul; they each have their own personal stories, struggles, and joys. Muslims are beautiful people and are NO different than you or I, we actually have a lot in common. We both believe in God, we were both probably raised to believe in God, and we both believe that the other is completely wrong. And we should be praying for the souls of the extremests who want to kill to get their point across to be saved first before we condemn them. "They desurve it" some say, but guess what, you have probably lied to your spouse or your parents so don't give me that crap. And don't forget the terrible things that have been done in the name of Chist, we are not so perfect.

Why is it that we loose our capability to look at a problem from the other persons perspective? Its not even that we loose the capability, we flat out refuse to do it! What are we protecting? Why is our agenda so important to us? When did we all become so freakin' defensive?

I don't want to be defensive, I don't want to care what you think or anyone else. I want to care about what matters and know that I'm not it. What matters are the lives that are suffering in a way that we cannot even fathom while we sort our our differences via bombs and talk shows that don't get us anywhere but more angry with each other (I know I sound like a hippy).

Here is the bottom line, I don't care what you do. All I can do is do what I know is right, to dare to care for something other than myself. I can and will change the world because I have someone on my side who is just waiting for people to take a risk and dare to care for his children. I do plan on doing missions in the future, for now the hard thing is preparing.